We Always Want More Of
Something We Can't Have...
Women all over the United States call me and say, "The man in my life is pulling away, because he's afraid of commitment."
And I say, "You have been head-over-heels in love with him for three months or three years? You haven't looked at another man since you got involved?"
"That's right. That's right."
I said, "So the reason he's pulling away is he has low self-esteem and he's looking down on you for being in love with him."
Subconsciously, he wants struggle.
You think he wants reassurance.
So you're trying to give him reassurance that you won't hurt him and that you should be together, and so forth and so on. And this reassurance is never working.
Therefore, the remedy is wrong, because it's based on the wrong diagnosis.
He gets afraid of commitment after he's bored to death, because subconsciously he wants a project.
He wants a struggle.
You're taking away any challenge to him that he wants.
You say, "I'm all yours. I'm all yours. I love you. I want to be with you forever and ever. I'd do anything to please you."
So subconsciously, he thinks, "Oh, what an idiot."
I was telling this to a woman not very long ago and she started laughing. She said, "It makes me think of Groucho Marx. Groucho said, "I wouldn't be a member of a club that would have me as a member."
And that's it, exactly.
So I encouraged the woman to relax, act independent.
I said, "See? The more you pursue your husband, wife, or girlfriend, the more you pursue them, the more they subconsciously have contempt for you.
They think you're stupid to be in love with them, because they have such a low opinion of themselves, whether they're aware of this or not."
So by your acting unconquered, date others, act happy, agree with them we both need space.
We need this separateness.
You're exactly right.
This is going with their energy.
This is jujitsu.
Sometimes I use an illustration. I say, "Draw a circle on a piece of paper," and he draws a circle. I say, "put a dot in the middle of the circle and put the name Dorothy. Then outside the circle, put a dot and put your name, Bob. Then inside the circle, anyplace, put a dot and put the name Bob."
"When Dorothy perceives you, Bob, as being outside the circle, she will pursue you. And when she sees you as inside the circle, she gets bored and contemptuous and backs off. She loses all interest."
I said, "When you tell her that you love her, that puts you inside the circle. When you give up other women entirely, that puts you inside the circle. When you date others, it puts you outside the circle. If you stop telling her that you love her, stop calling her, that puts you outside the circle."
In other words, that which is unconquered is appealing and that which is totally conquered loses its fascination.
These Excerpts are from the book "Stop Your Divorce!"
by Homer McDonald
Available for download at StopYourDivorce.com